Jamie & Jeff's Birth Plan

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“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.”  ― Allen Saunders

Oh, that first pregnancy. Remember when you had time to actually plan things? Did you make a birth plan? Did you stick with it? Maybe you are pregnant with your first right now & agonizing over what will be right for you in the moment, when the Big Day comes. At Belly Bootcamp we've heard all kinds of stories from our mommies about just-as-we-planned births and birth plans gone awry. The funny thing about a birth plan is you almost never meet a second-time (or third-time) mommy-to-be with a birth plan. Their plan? Get the baby out!

My first was planned to be born at home, and she was. I knew I wanted my mother, sister & hubby there. I knew I didn't want it to be loud or brightly lit. That was about all I planned...but, then, I've always been kind of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda girl. Our daughter took 45 hours to arrive from first contraction to birth, and even if I had been a planner I am quite sure "stay awake" would have been my primary focus by the end, no matter what.

Our second was planned to be born at home, and he was. He came on his due date, so apparently had better planning & time management skills than his mother right from the start.

What I love most about the mommies & mommies-to-be we have the pleasure of meeting at Belly Bootcamp is the great character they all share. Our classes attract real down-to-earth, hardworking women who often have a sense of humour about themselves.

To all you mommies who have been through it now... for real... and those who are expecting your first with wonder, read & enjoy! You're about to read the funniest birth plan ever.

"Jamie & Jeff's Birth Plan" is a hilarious bit of comedy originally posted at McSweeney's Internet Tendency poking fun at us: we who plan births, plan daycare 2 years in advance, aspire to higher purpose... and trust supermodels for parenting advice. It rings a little too true... which is what makes it so, so funny.

Thanks to our BB trainer Oonagh for sharing this. Here are some of our favourite excerpts from Jamie & Jeff's plan for their big day....

While we do not have a traditional “philosophy” of “childbirth,” we have been heavily influenced by orthodox Wholefoodism and the “(d)well baby/good design” movement. We believe strongly in the power of the female body and a long-term night nurse. We are opposed to torture/gluten. In the event you are ever unsure how to proceed today, please ask yourself, “What Would Gwyneth Do?”

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Please provide WiFi so we can check what you say against Wikipedia and our favorite mom blogs.

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If induction is necessary, Jamie would like to try the following before Pitocin is administered: walking, stretching, flipping over, rolfing, online browsing, nipple stimulation and/or sexual intercourse. Nipple stimulation should be done by the resident Jamie met on the tour who looks like Benjamin Bratt.

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In the event of a Cesarean, please practice Western medicine.

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We ask that the baby be bathed in our presence, in the delivery room, in San Pellegrino.

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Per Mr. Cooper, do not feed the baby mussels. Per Gisele Bundchen, do not give the baby a bottle (i.e. chemicals) for at least 6 months.

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We will not be vaccinating our baby. Please vaccinate all other babies on this floor.

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From Jamie & Jeff's Birth Plan. Originally posted at McSweeney's Internet Tendency.